Joke Thread (Page 1 of 10)

Hickory Dickory Dock,Three Mice ran up The Clock. The Clock Struck One---------but the other two got away with minor injuries.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.......

Two fish in a tank...one says to the other " You drive , and I'll man the gun...."

Two lemons are in the shower, one says pass the soap.
The other says what do I look like, a type writer?

Dont ask, my kid told it to me.

How do you drive a cape bretoner crazy???????????

Hide his Unemployment Insurance cheque under his work boots.

badeye   

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat miner.

Q: What do you have when a group of politicians are nearly up to their necks in concrete?
A: Not nearly enough concrete.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Lubbock, Texas, he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.   The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'   

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'   

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that crap.

What did the Valley boy do with his first 50 cent piece????

he married it.

badeye   ..   

Hello?  Is this thing ON?  (Why is it my post always kills a good thread???) 

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. 

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. 

'I can't believe how materialistic you blessed Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror. 

'FLIPPING HECK!' he screams........'Where's my Rolex????...