Hi Jody,
Critiquing other peoples writes is not an easy thing for me to do as my anxiety levels skyrocket so I will point out to you what I see and leave that for you to decide if it should be fixed or left alone.
The first thing you have to do Jody is to learn to write for yourself and nobody else. It is your heart and soul going into your song, your words so they should have the most meaning to you.
When I talk about structure being uniform it is two ways, one with syllables and two with rhyme.
Rhyme
For a four line verse as an example, AABB the first two lines rhyme with each other as do the last two. There is also ABAB The first line rhymes with the 3rd line , the second with the 4th. You can go AAAAA. It is OK but then sounds very repetitious. The trick is to be uniform through the song so when someone is reading it, it reads uniformly. What you do in the first verse should be the same in the second verse and so on. It should be different in the chorus as that is where your hook should be and you don't want it reading the same as the verse. It should be diffrerent to catch the readers attention. The same goes for the bridge in relationship to the chorus and verse.
Next is syllables. da da..da da da.....da da Your syllable structure should be uniform throughout. Count out your syllables with the lines in your song to make sure it is as uniform as possible. Again verse different from chorus and bridge. The chorus and bridge must follow the same guide lines.
It's important to remember Jody that these are things I have picked up along the way. It doesn't mean they are right as all songs break the rules somewhere.
The second verse is much better story wise as now we know a little more about your character. Do you think the reader would like to know if Bill was a coke dealer or a cheap car salesman, or maybe a politician...or a golfer? That is what I mean by story line Jody I'm sure you could write some dirt about this guy not just mention his name. That is what makes the song interesting to reader/listener. We know you are sad...we just want to know the dirt. If not dirt about the guy then what about the girlfriend/wife. Dirt???? lots of stories. Real sweet gal??? lots of stories of what it is about her you miss and WHY. The way she looked in the morning? the way she rubbed her nose? the way she cared other peoples feelings? Give us a story and you will keep the reader/listener glued to you
Your tittle is good but again that is subjective to the listener/reader. You can still have a hook that is not the title. The hook is the line that grabs your attention to the song, usually found in the chorus but...not necessarily.
The melody my friend is your call. As the lyrics are part of your soul, so is the melody.
The length of the song is subject to the story line (in my opinion) The longer the song the better the story line must be to keep the listeners attention.
Last is the "Forced Rhyme".This is where you take a word and it doesn't really rhyme with its counterpart in the ABAB scheme of things but when you sing it you can sing and force the rhyme to make it fit.
In the song, "Take the Money and Run," Steve Miller rhymed "Texas" with the words "facts is." That's a pretty wide stretch. But it didn't sound bad because it helped tell the story. When reading, it sounds off but, because you know the melody it sounds OK cause you force it to fit. Don't use to many forced rhyme as again it is all about being uniform and it's only when your stuck for a rhyme or are being clever in the song.
I hope these tips can help you out to get where you want to be with writing Jody
I'll check back later on your song but this type has been over an hour and I gotta eat.
Thank God for spell check cause you wouldn't be able to read this other wise.
Cheers
Ken
P.S. I know you didn't mean it but I'm not criticizing your write but critiquing it...huge difference.
Just Keepin on Keepin on
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