• upyerkilt
  • upyerkilt
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Topic: not a guitar joke

A guy is in the pub talking to his mate saying how he is sick of his wife and wants rid of her.
His mate says he knows a guy that will kill her for £1.
WOW, the guy says, ok I would like to meet him.
So, next day he meets the guy that will kill his wife for £1, his name is Arty.
HI, I'm Arty and I will kill yer wife for £1, where is she?
The guy points into the supermarket window and said " see that woman wit hthe blonde hair?"

Arty makes a mad dash into the shop and strangles her to death the ngoes back out.
The guy said " no, i was going to say " see that woman wit hthe blonde hair? well it is the woman sitting next to her".

So Arty enters the shop again and goes directly to the woman sitting next to the dead blonde headed woman. He goe sup and strangles her to death and goes back outside and collects his £1 from the guy.

Next day in the newspapers the headlines

ARTYCHOKES 2 FOR A POUND IN ASDA

ye get some that are cut out for the job and others just get by from pretending
  • Registered: 2007-04-03
  • Posts: 3,489

Re: not a guitar joke

lol lol lol

Ya nutter.

Yr Ma!

Why Blend in with the Crowd ? When you were made to stand out !
  • From: North Carolina
  • Registered: 2008-03-29
  • Posts: 953

Re: not a guitar joke

ok, see..now I'm wondering...do you think it's ok for vegetarian's to eat animal crackers..I don't know.

  I wonder to, that if a man with no arms has a gun...is he considered armed?..I wonder.

  and if a man with mutiple personalities threatens suicide, does that then become a hostage situation..I don't know....

And lastly..if olive oil come's from olives, and corn oil from corn..where does baby oil come from...I struggle with things like this..oh well, maybe one day I'll figure it out!

      Cam

Keep a fire burning in your eyes
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down
  • NELA
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Re: not a guitar joke

Cam, me thinks ya should consider becoming a drummer. With trying to keep both hands and both feet moving all together you won't have time for all them deep thoughts to occupy your mind.

Nela

NELA's Website

  • badeye
  • The Blues Fixer
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Re: not a guitar joke

Should midgets be paid under the table ??

   The confused philosapher..

one caper after another
  • From: North Carolina
  • Registered: 2008-03-29
  • Posts: 953

Re: not a guitar joke

ok a few more

Do you think it's ok to use AM radio after noon

Ever wonder why glue dosen't stick to the inside of the bottle

Do bankruptcy Lawyers expect to get paid

I wonder what you should do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns, because they taste funny

I was wondering if a #2 pencil is the most popular...why is it #2

Ok..I'm gonna be busier than a one tooth man at a corn cob eating contest trying to figure these out

Keep a fire burning in your eyes
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down

7 Reply by NELA (edited by NELA 2008-08-22 02:20:09)

  • NELA
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Re: not a guitar joke

Economic's 101 - Follow the Money.



A Presidents pension is $191,300.00 per year until he reaches the age of 80.



Assume that the next elected president reaches 80 years of age.



Sen. McCain is elected and serves 2 terms. He would not receive any pension since he will be 80 years old at the end of his 2nd term.



Sen. Obama is elected and serves 2 terms. At the end of his second term he would draw a pension for the next 26 years worth $4,973,800.00.


Hmmm, kinda makes ya think, don't it?


Nela

NELA's Website

  • From: Adelaide , Australia
  • Registered: 2006-06-04
  • Posts: 129

Re: not a guitar joke

If Air travel is so safe , why is it called a Terminal ?

When buildings are finished , why arent they called Completeds ?

What is the speed of dark ?

Why is stuff sent by sea called cargo and stuff sent by land called shipment ?

Oh boy......Lateral thinking in a downward enviroment...

cameronkl7 wrote:

ok a few more

Do you think it's ok to use AM radio after noon

Ever wonder why glue dosen't stick to the inside of the bottle

Do bankruptcy Lawyers expect to get paid

I wonder what you should do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns, because they taste funny

I was wondering if a #2 pencil is the most popular...why is it #2

Ok..I'm gonna be busier than a one tooth man at a corn cob eating contest trying to figure these out

A five yr old could understand this. Somebody fetch a five yr old !
Groucho Marx
  • badeye
  • The Blues Fixer
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Re: not a guitar joke

as busy as a one armed paper hanger with the crabs

one caper after another
  • Registered: 2006-03-04
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Re: not a guitar joke

............."funnier 'n' a one-legged cat on a frozen pond"..........................

................"happier 'n' a hot hog in a cold puddle"..............................

...."funnier 'n' a hairlip asking for a bottle of worcestershire sauce in a steak house"... 'Larry The Cable Guy'

Give everything but up.

11 Reply by cameronkl7 (edited by cameronkl7 2008-08-23 00:52:09)

  • From: North Carolina
  • Registered: 2008-03-29
  • Posts: 953

Re: not a guitar joke

One thing I've learned is never give yourself a haircut after 3 margarita's

Ok one more thing I've learned is never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular

Ever wondered why they put braille on drive thru ATM machines

I wonder if a shell-less turtle is homelees or naked

mouse flavored cat food...the next big thing

Ever wonder why there are interstate highways in Hawaii

If you throw a cat out the window of a moving car...does it then become kitty litter

Ok oK guys listen, my mind is not so much twisted as it's just badly sprained

   Cam

Keep a fire burning in your eyes
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down
  • From: Madeira Beach, Florida
  • Registered: 2007-12-05
  • Posts: 3,312

Re: not a guitar joke

I'd just like to thank Cam and the others that responded to this thread for making it bearable after that absolutely dreadful opening joke posted by Ken smile smile wink

Rule No. 1 - If it sounds good - it is good!
  • upyerkilt
  • upyerkilt
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Re: not a guitar joke

lol  lol  lol    lol       
I agree!!!:lol:                   
lol                                                        lol
I love the one liners,




Ken

ye get some that are cut out for the job and others just get by from pretending

14 Reply by fatstrings (edited by fatstrings 2008-08-24 01:59:49)

  • From: Tennessee
  • Registered: 2008-08-03
  • Posts: 125

Re: not a guitar joke

Hey everyone, this isn't a joke but I saw it on a bumper sticker the other day. I almost ran off the road laughing...it said::::

I'M NO GYNECOLOGIST BUT I'D BE GLAD TO TAKE A LOOK.

"I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did." Yogi Berra
"It's like deja vu all over again." Yogi Berra
and my personal favorite Yogi Berra quote: "Ninety percent of this game is half mental."
  • From: North Carolina
  • Registered: 2008-03-29
  • Posts: 953

Re: not a guitar joke

You know those little indestrutible little black boxes they look for when a plane crashes, why not build the whole plane out of that stuff!

How can you tell when sour cream is bad

Why do they call it a TV set...when you only get one

If a book about failure dosen't sell, is it a success

You know you old if you remember when the dead sea was just sick

Ever wonder how a cemetary can raise it's burial cost, and blame it on the high cost of living

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea...dose that mean the 5th one was ok with it

You know that place on your licences where they put your hair color? What do they put for bald men.

Keep a fire burning in your eyes
Pay attention to the open sky
You never know what will be coming down
  • From: Starkville, Mississippi USA
  • Registered: 2006-03-04
  • Posts: 2,069

Re: not a guitar joke

A blond woman is speeding down the highway. A blond female cop pulls her over.  Cop says to the driver, "Ma'am I need to see you driver's license".  The driver starts rummaging through an enormous purse full of junk.

After a fruitless search, the driver asks the cop, "What does a driver's license look like?"  The cop says, "It's a little square thing with your picture on it." The driver digs into her purse again and finds a little square make-up mirror.  She looks at the little mirror and says, "I found it!" and gives it the cop.

The blond cop looks at the little mirror and says, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were also a police officer - you can be on your way!"

"That darn Pythagorean Comma thing keeps messing me up!"
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pythagorean_comma[/url]

James McCormick's Website

  • upyerkilt
  • upyerkilt
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Re: not a guitar joke

and on the subject of police officers.

they were driving down the motorway along side a car. they see an old woman knitting as she is driving.
The police put their lights on and shout to her " PULL OVER" 
" NO" she replies, " it is a scarf"

ye get some that are cut out for the job and others just get by from pretending
  • Zurf
  • Zurf
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Re: not a guitar joke

Yes, Ken, but that old lady was on her way to the airport terminal where the security guards confiscated her knitting needles before boarding the plane.  They were afraid she would knit an afghan.

- Zurf

Granted B chord amnesty by King of the Mutants (Long live the king).
If it comes from the heart and you add a few beers... it'll be awesome! - Mekidsmom
When in doubt ... hats. - B.G. Dude
  • From: A black hole in deep space
  • Registered: 2007-10-28
  • Posts: 7,865

Re: not a guitar joke

Where is henny youngman when you need him.there are a lot of good one liners in this thread I just cant offhand come up with one but later I will be watching tv and then "aha I should have typed that in will occur to me but sometimes just a couple silly jokes are all you need,well it worked for clinton anyway smile

"Growing old is not for sissies"

Russell_Harding's Website

  • From: Western Oregon,US
  • Registered: 2008-07-22
  • Posts: 2,498

Re: not a guitar joke

Not a one liner, but....


  What exactly IS a pasturized processed cheese food?

  Looks like cheese, but if the folks that make the stuff feel that it is necessary to TELL you that it is food.... should you really eat it?

Just Wondering;  Doug

"what is this quintessence of dust?"  - Shakespeare
  • badeye
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Re: not a guitar joke

thats Dryer than last years birdnest

The tomatoes were so thin they only had one side

She's all that and a bag of chips


  Just a couple more... Badeye. cool

one caper after another
  • From: Madeira Beach, Florida
  • Registered: 2007-12-05
  • Posts: 3,312

Re: not a guitar joke

YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNKS

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed , and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

Rule No. 1 - If it sounds good - it is good!
  • Registered: 2007-04-03
  • Posts: 3,489

Re: not a guitar joke

lol

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


<>

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Tran substantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK

1. No thanks, I'm married

2. Nope, no more booze for me

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot
or on the side of the road

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

lol

Why Blend in with the Crowd ? When you were made to stand out !
  • From: Western Oregon,US
  • Registered: 2008-07-22
  • Posts: 2,498

Re: not a guitar joke

Dear Lena,

  That was very good!  Sadly I can identify with every one of those "downright impossible" things.... another reason I quit drinking!

  That, and being a professional drinker doesn't pay as much as it costs.

Take Care;
Doug

"what is this quintessence of dust?"  - Shakespeare
  • dino48
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Re: not a guitar joke

It is really hard to say the alphabet when you have  been pulled over and asked too do a sobriety test,I know I went through this once.{it will never happen again]

my papy said son your going too drive me too drinking if you dont stop driving that   Hot  Rod  Lincoln!! Cmdr cody and his lost planet airman