my first song comments please

Hi Telemaster,

In my opinion you have some work to do to turn these words into a song.

Firstly. The lines in your verses are very inconsistant, they are 11, 10, 7, 4, 7 which will make it very difficuly to compose a melody to.

Secondly. The metre of your lines is even more inconsistant. The first verse has the following beats in each line 4, 4, 8, 9, 5, 3, 3, 7, 7, 5, 4 and I will leave the others for you work out. Unlike a poem you can get away with some variation in a song, but as it stands there is too much here, although you could combine some short lines to make one longer one.

So my suggestion is to sit down and and re-write by combining short lines, adding or deleting words to get a similar number of beats in each line. For instance, the fourth line "I try so hard but it never seems" could have the word "so" omitted to reduce it or "I try" could be changed to "I have tried" to increase it without losing the meaning of what is being said.

Of course then, to make it a song, it has to have music. So sit with your guitar and keep trying variations of chord changes whilst reading your words and hopefully you will find something that suits. Alternatively re-post the revised words and ask for help with the music.

Others may have different ideas but that is mine and I hope it helps.

Good luck,

Roger

hi telemaster,
you've made a very good start! in your mind you've most likely got the tune and words sync'd up. but the most important thing is you've put down your thoughts in your own personalised way
as far as the solo is concerned, you only put in a solo if it's needed, or the song is a bit short, which [unless it goes like the clappers] it isnt.

excellent for a first attempt, keep working on it and i'm sure you'll get there. [you should have seen my first song, but no one ever will!!!]

regards phill

My thought are this; If you're gonna take the time to post a song, post a complete song. Include chords, lyrics, and arrangement. Remeber it's your art work to do with as you please.  Just take a little time to complete your creation before submitting for evaluation. You're off to a good start with your lyrics. I sense strong emotion in your words............Now go and finish this work.

Hi Telemaster17
,
I personally love the lyrics here. You have been given good advice by all here.

Sometimes with out chords its hard to see where its going, but i see this as a slow ballad softly picked. I dont think words have to rhyme to get a better finish to a song.

Good luck and well done to you.

Old Doll.

ya gota put ya cords into it so i can try it out thanks