little jokes (Page 2 of 3)

It's the All Ireland Final and a man makes his way to his seat. He sits
> down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and
> asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
>
> "No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty.
>
>
> "This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have
> a seat like this for All Ireland Final and not use it?"
>
>
> The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
> supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
> Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
>
>
> "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
> someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the
> seat?
>
> "The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."

Young Boy out walking with his granddad one day!
Grandad " How come you lived so long, never sick and always strong?

Well now Son ill let you in a wee secret. From the time i was your age i always
put the smallest dot of gunpowder on my porridge. This i feel was my secret to a long and healthy life.
The old boy finally passes and the young boy continues with the dot of gunpowder, sometimes adding a little extra for good measure!

He lived to the ripe old age of 93. When he died he left 14 children, 25 grandchildren 12 great grandchildren and,

A 15 foot hole in the crematorium wall!   

Subject: Irish Logic
>
>
> The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
> to a very attractive young woman.
>
> "You disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a
> faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want
> a divorce!"
>
> And Paddy (for it was he) replied "Hang on just a minute luv, so at
> least I can tell you what happened."
>
> "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll
> say to me!"
>
> And Paddy began - "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home
> and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and
> out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the
> car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very
> dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my
> compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made
> for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
> you'll put on weight.
>
> The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good
> clean-up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I
> noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them
> away.
>
> Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
> have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too
> tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary
> present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
>
> I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
> don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you
> bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at
> work has the same pair."
>
> Here Paddy took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful
> for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she
> turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
>
> "Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.

I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

Out in Arizona they had a problem with pigeons, they where crapping all over the place, on the streets, over everyones cars. The city was spending millions just to keep the town clean from all these pigeons.   
Well one day a man walks into city hall and says "I will get rid of your pigeons for you. I will not charge you, but you can not ask me anything, if you opt to you can ask me one question but it will cost you 5 million dollars. Agreed?" the man asks. The mayor thinks why not, can't hurt anything.   
So the man walks outside, opens his trench coat and a blue pigeon flies out and starts circling around. It wasn't long before every pigeon in the town was following the blue pigeon. The blue pigeon flies away and all the others follow, few minutes later the mans blue pigeon comes back and flies right back into him trench coat.
He walks back inside and says "Your problem is fixed."
The mayor open his checkbook and starts righting a check for 5 million dollars and say "I HAVE TO KNOW, do you have a blue mexican in there??"

I hear the church are introducing new low fat communion wafers.

They're called........

Can't believe it's not Jesus.

Ok maybe this'll only work in the UK.

Half-wit

A man owned a small farm in Virginia. The Virginia State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
>
> 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.
>
> 'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
>
> 'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,' says the agent.
>
> 'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

These are genuine excerps from letters of complaints to the" Housing Authority " here.

God I just love this wonderful Island of  ours, the people and the inadvertant wit of same. Enjoy!

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and she would like it in the garden before we move house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6a.m., his cock wakes me up and now it's getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

...that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

Ok, a blonde walks into a pharmacy and says "Can I have some of that rectal deodorant, please?"  The pharmacist looks puzzled and replies "I'm sorry but we don't sell rectal deodorant".  The blonde says "Well, I've been using it for about two years now, I tell you what, I'll go home and fetch the can and show you".

Half an hour later she returns triumphantly with a can of deodorant and gives it to the pharmacist.  He looks at it and says "But this is just ordinary underarm deodorant"

"Rubbish" says the blonde, "It says right there, to use, push up bottom!"

Sick leave:

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss
> would not allow me to take leave, so I thought that maybe if I acted
> 'CRAZY'
> then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on
> the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked
> me what I was doing.I told her that I was pretending to be a light
> bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days
> off.
> A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are
> you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.He said, 'You are clearly
> stressed out.
> Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
> I jumped down and walked out of the office.
> When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her '...And
> where do you think you're going?'
> She said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'

What did the Zookeeper say when the monkey asked for more bananas?...

What did the blond call her pet zebra??

    Spot.