my 2007 blog

Hi guys...I havnt been here in some time, but I wanted to share whats been goin on in my life. Since it greatly has to do with music and the power music has had in my life as of late.  If you remember, I bore my heart here telling how I was feeling trapped at home and was going out to see my friend's band, and playing my new guitar etc etc.  Several of you were very caring and sharing to me and extended the hand of friendship, and I want to say thankyou.  I wrote this blog today and wanted to share it here with all of you. My life has changed...not in a huge way yet really, but yes in a way it is huge to me. Read on....

2007...A Year of Discovery....
Current mood:  contemplative
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes
The past year has been one of vast discovery for me.  It hasnt all been good either...but its definately been enlightening to say the very least.  And much of it has indeed been wonderful and fun, and altho i have acted reckless in some ways, I truly believe everything I have done has been in some way a necessary part of arriving at the dock I am now pulling into.  I have felt for a long time, a captive in my circumstances, and in my life.  I have been unhappy...with my job, my day to day living, and yes, even my marriage.  Over the years I have slowly given up bits and pieces of myself, for the good and will of others in my life.  Those involved didnt do this intentionally, but just the same, it occurred.  A few months into the year, I began feeling like a gas gauge whose needle is fast approaching the red zone...nearing "empty" at an incredible pace. I tried doing things I liked, but nothing held my interest for long.  I forced myself to go to work, I forced myself to go on every day.  I felt sick and miserable almost constantly.  I continued to shell out pieces of myself, and dole it around in small increments, to those surrounding  me.  When I was diagnosed with Lyme Disease, I at least had an idea what was physically making me ill, but my emotional state was a mystery even to my own self.  A voice was saying in the depths of me, "something is coming.Something is changing.Something is happening"  I didnt know what this meant, but I was aware of the things that NEEDED changing, and also of the things that I WANTED to change.  Even tho I loved my husband, I was becomming so so weary of the dysfunctionality of our marriage and life.  I was like a starving dog, hungry for what more there must be, and becomming more and more willing to seek out love and acceptance somewhere ...Oh, no doubt I was loved, by my husband and kids, my mom...but it never felt equal...it never felt like an even trade. I always felt like I gave my all, and yet never recieved what I wanted or needed from people.  In the end, I know it is because I am lonely and unhappy, because I have not nourished my own soul the way that I should have.  I have not treated myself like my own best friend...put myself first.      Yes, that does sound selfish...but in reality, it is true.  If you dont care for yourself, no one else will ever be able to do it for you.
Growing up, I always lived on the edge.  Altho my mom likes to say how our life was made so stable by her after my dad was out of the house, the real truth is that I was daily torn to pieces and made to put on that smile and say I was ok.  As was with my entire life...I could never change anything unless the noose got so tight and the drama so thick, that I had to break free in some crazy and extreme fashion.  It happened in childhood, in my teenage and young adult life, and in the past year, of course I followed suite the same way.  I had to create my crisis in order to get started to the goals I wanted.  Having no one really hearing my inner screaming helped the process immensely.
I began to focus.  Writing...here and there, back to my poetry...my songs.  My music...the core of my life.  Starting out small and feeling the hunger for it grow.  The voice in my head still whispering. Focus was becomming tunnel vision.  A friend who understood  said simple things that spoke volumns to me.  All these things were like tiny seeds planted in my soul and beginning to sprout.  Myself, as the nurturer...even myself, I didnt understand fully what was happening.  But as days wore on, it became clearer.     I needed to get out of the box I was held in.  Using money earned from writing, I bought my electric guitar.  My acoustic wasnt fulfilling me in the way I wanted it to anymore.  I sank deeper into my music...contemplating my life, my desires, my dreams, my broken heart.  In April I shared in an important event of my musical friend's life, and a few days later, again.  My kids knew, but not my husband.  He didnt(and still doesnt) understand this need or love.  But something magical started to happen.  I started to come out of myself, ever so slowly...my shyness and fear was melting, and for the first time I was catching a glimpse of myself...the girl that God intended for me to be.       Unfortunately, being captive in a world where that girl would be called unorthodox, I had to continue hiding.  Encouragement and love from a friend kept me going. 
Spring turned to summer.  I played my guitar, lived and breathed music, traveled to be near my friend, his friends,  and their music whenever I could get "out from under" so to speak.  I was, and still am confused by some of my feelings...but thats another  realm.  All the time...the guilt...it was a heavy load on my shoulders...but not heavy enough to stop me.  I HAD to go...I HAD to do it...It HAD to happen.  I was moving toward something that had to be.  If it didnt come...I knew I would surely wilt and die,...and it was coming quickly.  The fountain in my heart that  was life was drying up, and I had to drink in what I needed to survive.  Crazy but true.  Sometimes you can just feel things like this as they are unfolding before you.
My husband was half-way thru a year of sobriety.  I am indeed proud of him.(he's sober over a year now)  He is an extraordinary man.  Unfortunately, for as good as that all was, the way in which our lives were lived was not as good.  Our marriage was lacking so much.  I was being starved and hurt and controlled.  I was seeing that its not what relationships are supposed to be about.  But the subject remained unbroachable.  All that I wanted was to live and enjoy life.  I just wanted to listen to music and be allowed to feel it...play my guitar without  feeling guilty.  It was indeed so very silly to have your husband be jealous of a musical instrument.  Looking back, maybe he could see the distance between us growing and blamed it on my interests.
Well,  of course, anytime there is a disproportionate amount of something on one side, there will be a void in other places.  Altho I felt compelled to pursue what I was, other areas were lacking.  It was part of my whole problem...because there never was enough of me to go around.  It was showing big time.              In September, as school began again, and the stress level grew higher and higher for me, I made an awful mistake...but one which was the event that was needed for me and for us.  After  a great lack of sleep, and a couple drinks too many, I had an accident and got a dui as well.  It was a turning point for me...for us.  Not a drinker, I wasnt concerned about that aspect...but it did blow all I had done, clear out of the water, glaringly clear it was visible to my husband some of what had been going on.  I wasnt doing anything wrong...just that he was unaware of my outings.  It opened up the communication, and after a few rough weeks, it began to turn the tables in my favor.  Through counseling, we are now getting through all of it, and I have finally been able to lay my cards out on the table.  He knows now how trapped I've been feeling,  how unfairly treated, and how much I truly need to go after the things I love.  I will no longer live in his box.
My true blue confidant, my friend thru it all, who first told me that music will never leave me, was absolutely correct.  When my life was falling apart, and I really felt like I was dieing, it was music, and love of those who live and breath it, that saved me.  It was the love and help of a friend who brought me back from the abyss.  When I had to change something, and start on a journey that I didnt understand, that friend, and music, brought understanding to my heart and soul.
At my dui sentencing, I cried like a baby.  I had no fear for myself...it was all about what I saw there.  Young guys not much older than my own son, in shackles and cuffs and transluscent baby-like skin. I cried for each one as tho I were their mother sitting there observing.  I had a spiritual awakening on that day earlier this month.  I am tired of my nursing career because there is something else I feel the need to do. I'm not totally sure what it is career-wise, but I am going to explore the criminal justice field to find out.  I came home with a new sense of purpose...an excitement really.  I realized I need to balance everything out in my life...my loves, my interests, my home, my kids, my husband, my job.  I need to expand my horizons...feed my soul.  Learn something...pursue a dream or interest...keep nurturing my heart...help it to heal. And come home to my God.  That great friend offered to shop with me for a bass guitar in the spring, and I am going to take lessons.  Its the guitar sound in music I was always drawn to.  I may never do anything more than take lessons, but it will bring more musical understanding to my life, and maybe someday, someone will want to hear what I've done.  And maybe I'll do no more with criminal justice than take a few courses...but at least I'll be learning.  And our marriage...well, sometimes I have my doubts...but only God knows what will happen.  I can say no more.
All of this began because of that voice in my depths that was saying, "Something is coming. Something is changing. Something is happening."  I was moving toward something but didnt know what it was...but I knew I had to go there.  It was like allowing the huge hand of the universe, to scoop me up and carry me into the next phase of my existance.  Through it all, I've made leaps and bounds in the understanding of my own self, and of others.  It was all meant to be...I truly believe that.  Without it, I would not have shed my skin...the crinkled, old self...the girl...the woman...who lives without living...who is without being...who walks on eggshells...who fears the unknown...who reacts instead of acting.  I am not afraid to love...to grab hold of those I care about and squeeze as hard as I can and say "I love you so much"  I am not afraid to lose love either...because if it is meant to be that way, then I must ebb with the tide.  Always, we must grow toward the sun. Love is an odd beast, and it sneaks up on you unsuspecting and clutches your heart-strings and pulls....and just as easily, that beast can let go and begin to let crumbled fragments fall through his fingers, until there is nothing left and love has faded like a rose pressed in the pages of a book...and so life goes on.  I am feeling some of both in my life right now.  Feelings are confusing and scary...but they are never wrong...they are just feelings...songs of your soul.
  Music never leaves us...just as my friend said.  How very true... and what a gift to SEE that, and really FEEL it at work in my heart, and  experience it in my soul.  Its all been nothing short of a miracle........

Currently listening :
Godsmack - Changes
Release date: 14 September, 2004   

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