JOKES ABOUT MUSIC/MUSICIANS (Page 1 of 2)

How do you get  2 cellists to play in perfect harmony...
Shoot one of them.

How do you get a drummer off your porch...
pay for the pizza.

What do bass players use for contraceptives...
their personalities.

And totally un-music related...
what makes uuuhhh....
a cow without lips!

Spotted this letter in Guitarist magazine....

Dear Abby, I think my wife is cheating on me. I'm a working musician and travel a lot, and recently strange things have been happening when I get home. Her mobile rings and she steps outside too answer it or she says ' I'll call you back later'.

Sometimes she goes out with friends and comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner! I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.

A mate of mine plays guitar in a band. he told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my amp. Thats when I got the idea to find out what was really going on.  I said that he could use the amp but I wanted to hide behind it at the gig and see who she comes in with. He agreed.
Saturday night came and I slipped behind the half stack to get a good view of the crowd. I could feel the heat from the back of the amp. Crouching down behind my Marshall, I noticed one of the power stage valves wasn't glowing as brightly as the others.

Is this something I can fix myself, or do I need to take it to a technician?

Very concerned, Norwich.

lol

Craig.

Why do Bagpipe players walk while they play?

To get away from the noise!

A guitarist inherits some money.  He needs a car, so he buys a beautiful antique Cadillac.  Tons of chrome, big fins, and about a mile long.  Couple days later he locks the keys inside the car.  He calls a locksmith.  The locksmith says, "I can be there in about an hour."  The guitarist says, "Man, you gotta get here faster than that because it's fixin' to rain and the top is down and the windows are wide open!"

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead bagpiper.

Skid marks in front of the dog.

James, the joke about the little John about becoming a guitar player: I choked almost. VERY short joke, but Jesus, the answer.
I read it as much as I can.
Nice and Funny topic this one. I am sure we will read a lot more soon.

What's the range of an alt violin: 20 yards if you throw it. This one I really love:
- what's the difference between a DRUMMER and a DRUM COMPUTER?, the drum computer has a memory, hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

- A guitar player asks a passenger: how do I get in the great ol' opera, the passenger answers: by practising a lot.

- A NU METAL guitarist is sitting in a bar, discussing with a blues guitar player, who tells him that the best tunes are written in 3 chords, the nu metal guitarist answers: wow!, can you learn me the other 2 chords?

- How do you know that a drummer is knocking on your door? he starts to knock faster and faster.

- What's the name of the guy, hanging always around with other musicians: a drummer.

- How can you stop a guitarist to continue playing? Give him the paper with the notes on it.

- Difference between drummers and terrorists? There are always people who like terrorists.

- What is used by drummers for anticonception?Their character.

Sorry, now it's up to you again.

Q. Whats the difference between an Uzi and Accordian?
A. The Uzi stops after 20 rounds?

  Old Doll.

Q.  What is the difference between a musician and a large pizza?
A.  A large pizza can feed a family of four.

a banjo player buys a new and very expensive banjo and is driving home with it on the back seat of his car. He has to stop for two minutes at another shop but worries that someone will steal his new pride and joy. Thinking that he'll be very quick he decides to take a chance, locks the banjo inside the car and disappears.

Two minutes later he reappears and, you've guessed it, the window is broken and...

There are two banjos on the back seat!

What's the difference between a dead trombonist on the road and a dead raccoon?
---The raccoon was probably on his way to a gig.

How can you recognise the son of a trombonist in a playground?
He can't swing and he's afraid of the slide...

I'm not picking on trombonists.  It's just that most of the other jokes I know are already posted.

A pianist was hired for two nights in hotel lounge.  They tell him he has to use a singer, so he hires one.
They play through the first night and, when they start the first song of the second night, the pianist tells her:
"Ok, let's do it this way: sing the first four bars normal.  Then, jump up a minor third and sing the next three
bars in that key.  Then come down a major second and sing there for the next 8 bars. On the last bar of the
bridge, add one beat.  Then go into 3/4 time for 6 bars, jump up a minor 2nd, and finish the last two bars in
4/4 and in the original key."
Singer is upset.  How am I supposed to remember all that?  I can't do it!
Pianist says, "Why not? You did it last night..."

what is it with all these jokes about banjos?
Do the majority of people not like the sound of a twanging banjo?
If played properly it is an excellent instrument to list to and a great one for a jamming session.

I heard a few banjo jokes last night at the folk night.
Some were directed at my father in law as he was sitting with a banjo, but he replied to one of the jokes that he was not a banjo player, he was a guitar player and a singer and only had the banjo to make a noise thru songs he didnt like.

The joke that made him say this reply was.....

The definition of a gentleman is, a man that can play the banjo but doesnt.

Ken

Zurf,
We have common geographical ties. I grew up in those beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains, the New River Valley to be specific. I aspire to relocate back to the mountains and sooner can't come quick enough. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. That ole saying proves very true for me in relation to my old home. Seriously missing the mountains,
SouthPaw41L(Toney)