FURTHER SUGGESTIONS For JIM'S SONG
Your 3rd Verse
I don't wanna mess with this one - rhyme-wise. You did a good job continuing your "narrative" about this girl, but take a look and think about the "safety words" you can choose to use or pass up., the word "but" being one. Use it or don't - up to you.
Here's what I mean: "But" like a ray of sunshine or "a" cool summer breeze. "But" and "a" being your safety words. This would also make the word "so" in the next line superfluous
I'm afraid I'm not making sense. It's getting tougher to do so these days, so ask me to clarify and I will gladly do so.
To conclude, let's take the song as a story and take a closer look at the two people involved. It's not always about the rhymes or chords, right?
1. The lady in your story has a huge problem. With one hand she's beckoning - now having become accustomed to getting those gifts he himself has admitted are barely afforded.
With the other hand she's pushing him away, but still holding that "carrot on a stick" - her. I didn't like her from the start of your story. She's got her "Sugar Daddy" in this guy, and he's probably not the only one.
2. Our "story-teller" is letting us know (not in so many words) that he's in love with her and wants to be with her under just about any circumstances. He needs help. and so does she, because I see her as a danger.
3. I'm not asking you to change anything except what I have already suggested, and that's mostly "grammar". Anything else would be censorship, no matter how were my intentions, and I don't like censorship.
4. Here on Chordie we don't discuss the psychology or philosophy of a song very often, but with these lyrics (and you're a master lyricist) you've made me not like this song and in consideration of that, I have to conclude that this isn't one of your better works.
It's probably me. At 68, I'm having problems with my thought processes. If it's not just me, then I'd like to share some further discussion (s) about this song.
On the other hand, my brother, you've succeeded in reaching one goal: You "involved" me in that tune. If I were present I'd kick that guy's butt and get him out of there so fast he'd leave skid marks.
We still friends, Jim?
Bill
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