Jealous spouses... (Page 1 of 2)

Dear Abby,

I think my wife is cheating on me. I'm a working musician and travel a lot, and recently strange things have been happening when I get home. Her mobile rings and she steps outside too answer it or she says ' I'll call you back later'.

Sometimes she goes out with friends and comes home late, getting dropped off around the corner! I once picked up the extension while she was on the phone and she got very angry.

A mate of mine plays guitar in a band. he told me that my wife and some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my amp. That’s when I got the idea to find out what was really going on.  I said that he could use the amp but I wanted to hide behind it at the gig and see who she comes in with. He agreed.

Saturday night came and I slipped behind the half stack to get a good view of the crowd. I could feel the heat from the back of the amp. Crouching down behind my Marshall, I noticed one of the power stage valves wasn't glowing as brightly as the others.

Is this something I can fix myself, or do I need to take it to a technician?

Very concerned, Norwich.

i don't remember whee i found this -- maybe on this site.

but if you think you've got it bad -- well, i play several instruments besides guitar, and i play in a couple of bands.  my wife -- a real music hater (can you believe that?) --thought i used to practice just to aggravate her.  she's gone now ...

isn't there a king of the hill episode like this lol?

http://www.tv.com/king-of-the-hill/hank … ep_title;3

All You Need is Love

Well Detman and also our friend ssttsstt, all those stories are a FAR FROM MY BED show, until it happens to you.
Some partners (I prefer to use this word) are like that, it is their character, and even worse, the more you tell the truth, like a concert that ended 30 minutes to late, the more they don't believe you. I dare to call me a kind of expert, because it used to be my job as medical doctor (now non-active due to severe medical reasons), and in my job, I was known more as a kind of "shrink", because on 100 cases, I traeted 95, and maybe 5 went to a psychiatric doc.
What I want to tell is that I've been on both sides of similar problems. The subject of this topic is very delicate, especially being a kind of therapist myself, and I refuse to make conclusions, if I don't know the situation. I can just write about mine. I hate it to tell, but because of my position, and a kind of Rock&Roll attitude I was very popular for a lot of women. This can be already a cause. Who doesn't like female attention?? But forget this, and see what your partner likes or wants. Probably attention, communication, and some partners use high standards, often influenced by their friends, relatives, and a common thing is jealousy.
Detman, why is she jealous of you, playing guitar: do you play at home? I know that a lot of people want to be CENTRAL in a relation. If you play at home, and you stay playing at home, she's maybe jealous just because you pay more attention on your guitar, or she is convinced that your guitar is numero uno, and she feels herself pushed away in the second position.
Always start with one important fact: YOU CAN NOT CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON, YOU CAN ONLY CHANGE YOURSELF. I really want to talk about it with you, and I WILL ALWAYS TRY TO BE NEUTRAL, I do hope to receive an email, and I will try to help you as good as I can (knowing my profession!!). Upyerkilt is right, and at least try to convince her that she will always be the NUMBER ONE, but she has no right to take your guitar away. In the pre-PC world, and still now, how many man are member of the board of a baseball, or football team, or are responsable for church, school? I have done a lot things wrong, being too busy with my work and neglecting my family. The more you run away using your job as the perfect alibi, the worse it gets, and on a certain moment there will be a COMMUNICATION breakdown. Try to communicate as much as you can, and not discussing as much as you can. I don't know how long you are together, try to change your attitude or try at least to show her that she comes in the first place. I am even convinced that it is not the guitar who causes this problem, so try and try and try.
And ssttsstt: are you sure about this? If there is one thing I hate, well people who tell you if seen your wife.... I have a beautiful daughter who has a super boyfriend. If I should see that guy with some other girl, I don't think I would tell it, because someone ruined a relation I had because of similar problem. It looks cruel, but I think I never told someone to stop a relation, or other things. You can see my email, and you are welcome to mail me.
I hope I could help, even if it's only for 5%

May I recommend a book called "The Five Love Languages."  It has a Christian perspective on relationships, but there is very good advice in it even if you do not follow the Christian faith. 

One of the Love Languages it mentions is "Time."  Sounds like maybe your spouse understands affection by time spent with her.  Mine is that way, which makes it difficult for me to spend as much time as I'd like on the river.  After 20 years, we're beginning to understand how to make it work. 

- Zurf

OK friends...since I am the one who really brought this up in another thread...I will share what is going on in my life right now. Please dont judge me...I dont know where I am going with my life, and just living a day at a time. Please be patient with this "blog" and feel free to share your thoughts.

Before meeting my hubby 17 yrs ago, and since the age of 12, I played my acoustic night and day. I wrote tons of songs and poems. My guitar went everywhere I did. I never took lessons and didnt play really well(still dont actually) but I loved my music. I live for music. I love everything about it, and I hear it in my head those few times theres none playing.

My hubby is a recovering alcoholic. He was sobor for 8 yrs at one point...relapsed, and now has trouble getting a year together. Things were not good when there was drinking, but he is a good man. He accepted my daughter as his own, we married, and have 2 boys also. He knew how I loved my guitar and music when he married me.

As women oft do, as I worked and raised kids, I left behind that part of myself that was my true passion. I didnt pick up my guitar for years, but just once in a great while. My songs and all collected mildew in the basement in a box.

The last time my hubby resumed his drinking habit, it was kinda like a last straw. He is sobor 9 mo now, but something in me has changed. I realize I put away my love because that sort of thing made him jelous. And now I feel as tho life is suddenly passing me by.

I have a close friend,(who is male and happily married, and like a brother to me) He played bass in a popular rock band here. Thru emails and getting to his shows, he encouraged me to follow what I love. Of course, hubby is insanely jelous of him too. There is no reason to be. He SHOULD know better. But just the same...

About 7 mo ago I bought myself a new Martin acoustic(I should say, new to ME...Its used) It is big and uncomfortable, and I knew what I really wanted was an electric. With money I earned writing articles and short stories, I bought my cheap, but BEAUTIFUL transluscent blue electric, and an amp! I have been playing daily, in every moment I have to spare. Also learning new songs and writing too. Hubby is not supportive. I resent this because of my support of him all these years.

In a strange twist tho, like an addiction must be to HIM, I have become addicted as well. Since he can not drink, and hence can not go to clubs and the like to enjoy live music(Which I LOVE so much) I have begun going out occasionally to hear my friend's band. The trouble is, it is behind his back...I dont want to be dishonest...I've never lied to anyone in my life, and here I am in the grip of this NEED to get out once in a while. The day may come when like another poster said, someone will spot me there...but it must be a risk I'm willing to take. I'm there to feel the music, to dance, to feel alive...not to cheat or meet someone else. I have felt like a caged animal for so long.

Perhaps I am preparing myself for the possibility that he will once again drink, and I will have to make a choice. I dont know whats going on inside me anymore. I just want to be free to love what I love without hiding it. I doubt that will happen. We cant talk about it. I'm at a loss.

Any takers on this one?

Sincerely,    Kath

KAthy,
When I first started to read your post I honestly thought " oh ffs, ere we go, a life story that I cannot be bothered to read" ( I am like that sometimes i am afraid), but I continued reading and what an excellent post it is. A tough one to answer to as well!!

I migt sound realy harsh here and I appologise if I do, but I got this habit of telling peopl straight the way I see it ( which, i not always right, nor is it always the right thingto do)
I thnk you should do what you want to do, if it means plaing the guitar morn,noon and night then go for it. Also, if you want to go out ad have fun wit htfriends, then go for it. But if you want to go out and get blooteredthen maybe organise to stay at a friends?
Although you may/do love your hubby very much it is his prolem. Even though help groups ecourage partners to get invloved and say things like a prolem share is a problem halved, I do not believe this, i see it as one perons problem and the have to deal with it. I know alcoholics and the ones that want to help themselves will, others just bring other people down and make them feel like it is their fault for some reason or other.
Like I said, a tough one to answer an something I am not traind to responisbily answer for you to say you have got to listen to me. This is a question for a proffesional person, as already mentioned in a way.

But I wish you all the luck in the world, sorry I cannot pray for you as I am an atheist, but my thoughts are with you right now as I type this.
Once you have sorted out something that you want to do, and you want to , I am sure people here will be interested how you are managing.
It is very brave ( even though we are all strangers to you) for you to type all this in here, but then typing to complete strangers can be good too, opinions from people that know nothing about yourself is good I tihnk. I have done it often.

All the best

Ken

Hi Kath,
I have read your post several times!  You have a great battle going on inside of you! But you and only you "HAVE THE ANSWER TO YOUR OWN QUESTIONS?!"
You can receive all the helpful advice people are so willing to give you to help you! All of it well meaning! At the end of the day, i feel you have already started the transition...
Your transition will not only be painful for you, but to everyone connected to you. Some will walk away and never come back! Others will in the long term be there for you!  I feel You have become institutionalized within your life..
Your toe is on the line i feel  and your  ready to step over it! 
I so admire any addict who quit there addiction, but a lot of the isms remain! Usually the demons in there heads that started there addiction in the first place! "YOU" have to learn how to live with this with 100% commitment  Or make a new life for yourself.  Your biggest problem is  living with indecision ?the what ifs? you live with every day! Make a decision Kath, and feel free Girl! the time will come when you will know this, you will feel it deep to the very core of your being!
Am i being Smug? No! been there and regreted all the "what ifs years!" I also loved the Man with a passion from 16 years of age!
I could write much more, but would have to get to personal. So suffice to say!
i am now one very happy woman.. You are in my positive thoughts Kath.
And will remain their.
Diá Linn  {God to You}
Slán
Old Doll.

Does she have anything she loves to do? Does she listen to music that much, sing along with her favorite songs? What would she rather you be doing? Fixing up the bathroom? Paint a room? Spending more time with her doing......WHAT???

I didn't play any instrument while the ex and I were together, but she would complain about me building aircraft models, saying it was childish, and that I should go out "drinking with the guys". Yet she would sit for hours with a pile of mindless books (first science fiction and then spy thrillers) and not see anything wrong with that.

If she is into music, and has some favorite songs, learn them. Maybe she'll sing along with them, (If she can sing).

Hi Kath, I'd like to e mail you privately, is that ok???
Thinking of you

Hi Kath,
I hope life is good for you one day at a time at least!!
There is not as much about the Quinn Name as i expected in my book anyway!
This could be due to the fact there are so many from the  different regions here, both North and South... They need a book all to themselves! There are also a lot of different Crest?  which to me  is some what unusual.. They must have been a very individual lot?
Here are some links for you to peruse at your leisure...I have been to "Adare Manor" one of the seats of the quinn clan. Fantastic Place to visit and Stay. Old but fab and somewhat expensive! But worth the visit.

Quinn Name.

http://archiver.rootsweb.com/th/read/QU … 0904769154
Quinn Crests.
http://www.araltas.com/features/quinn/index.html
Adare Manor
www.lhw.com/AdareManor

Kath, my Email is also available for you anytime.
Barróga agus Pogá.
Slán
Old Doll.

I can always get a new girl.  New guitars are harder to come by...