Joke Thread (Page 8 of 10)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s1HUfjTrCIM

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.  'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T''? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'
 
So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...

you're  singing it now, aren't you…???

LOL

Here is what one 8 year old Irish girl decided she wanted doing to her school: http://www.wimp.com/prankcall/

Roger

What`s the only kind of wood that doesn`t float?      Natilie Wood.    Its old but it`s making a comeback

tubatooter1940 » Sun Nov 20, 2011 8:16 am

A fabulous violinist was a child prodigy, then a huge success on the concert stage. His audiences grew in size to the point only the largest venues could seat them all. But then...
His audiences began to shrink. The violinist kept practicing and getting better by leaps and bounds but the crowds kept getting smaller and smaller.
The violinist became so frustrated he took a long trip to Africa to spend time alone and regain his perspective. He walked off alone a long way into the jungle (rain forest - if you must). He then jumped up onto a tree stump, closed his eyes and played his violin from his very heart of hearts. He played a long,long time before he opened his eyes.
And when he finally opened his eyes, he found himself surrounded by thousands and thousands of animals of every description. Up front were tiny birds and chipmunks, then hyenas, leopards and lions. In the rear as far as he could see were huge rhinos and elephants.
The violinist was so excited. He had found his new target audience - not just people but animals and birds - maybe fishes too. He closed his eyes and played again expressing the thrill and excitement of his being so musically fulfilled.
'Bout that time, a huge black panther, perched on a tree limb just above the violinist, leaped down on him and ate him all up - chomp,chomp, chomp.
The huge crowd gasped in horror - oooooh!
A monstrous huge lion walked up to the panther and asked him, "Man, why did you have to go and do that. We were enjoying the music."
The panther put his paw up next to his ear and said, "Huh?"

Joe was a trucker for thirty years with his sidekick Leroy. He thought of going for one more big run  then he and leroy would retire and take it easy. he finds an add that a rich man is looking for a reliable driver to run a million dollar load across the country that would be a big payday.
  At the interview he answered all the questions right and the big owner came in and said  you got the job if you answer this last question right, Your driving my 200,000 dollar rig   with a million dollar load,
going down a mountain, with the bridge out and no brakes, what would you do,   Joe thought for a minute then said "I'd wake up Leroy" the owner furious says your in my 200,00 rig, no brakes with the bridge out,  what the $#%^ would you wake up Leroy for, Joe say's "Cause Leroy ain't never seen a wreck like we bout to have"

an old Gene Tracy joke.    anyone remember gene tracy

badeye   

Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield...........

Because he said ....

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex. She called me from Chicago last night.

MY FAVORITE:
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

Lots of great jokes here. Rodney was one of my heroes Toots. He could get me to laugh when things had me down
and out. Thanks Toots, those lines are golden.

What is black, lives in trees and is dangerous...................

A crow with a machine gun.

Paddy asks Murphy to spell him orange.

Murphy says now would you be wanting the fruit or the colour.

Here's an old one I used to use on my rowdy Scouts.

How do you keep a moron in suspense?

Tell ya tomorrow!