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Guitar chord forum - chordie → Chordie's Chat Corner → Joke Thread
The worst joke I've heard in a while (which means it will be perfect here):
Q: What do you call the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
A: Pumpkin PI (ba-dum-bum)
[crickets]
My ode to Black Friday:
It's the most wonderful time for a beer.
With people a mobbing
and children all sobbing
in stores everywheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre
It's the most wonderful time to DRINK BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER.
Thenk yew thenk yew very much.......
ozymandias has left the building............before the tomatoes start flying and before Tony Bennett finds out.
<exit stage left>
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
What is red and white red and white red and white red and white?
Santa falling off the roof!
One night at Club Chintz, the mindreader closes her set by reading the mind of the each of the musicians in the band.
First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist:
"Wow, look at all the cute chicks who showed up tonight! I bet they're all here to see me. Good crowd!"
Then the drummer:
"Look at that crowd! With this many people in the house, we're going to make good money tonight!"
Then the Keyboard player:
"Yeesh, look at that crowd. None of them will ever truly appreciate all of my talent. What a bunch of losers."
Finally, the Bass player:
"E E A A A A A E E ... Pudding!"
It's so cold...
I had to chisel the dog off the fire hydrant
that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.
the lawyers have their hands in their own pockets
Funeral March
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand his curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so
sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've
never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence,
passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line.
On a flight getting ready to depart for Memphis, a guy took a seat behind Jack. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"Are you okay?", Jack asked.
I've been transferred to Memphis. There are crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, drugs, awful public schools and one of the highest crime rates in in the nation.
Jack replied, "I've lived in Memphis all my life. It's not as bad as the media say. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's O.K., I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a FedEx truck."
Good one toots. I can't stop laughing.
Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder? because the dna is all the same and there are no dental records.
Blond calls the airport and the agent picks up the phone,she asks how long will it take to get from san francisco to new york,the agent says just a minute , Blond says thank you and hangs up.
man 1: Ask me if im a tree
man 2: ok...are you a tree?
man 1: no
This song sounds like Christmas to me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3M7IR6jkpc
A guy goes into a bar... downs a beer in one long pull then says "All Lawyers are lowdown, greedy, disgusting, heartless, money grubbing jerks!" A guy down the bar stands up and yells back "Hey! I heard that and I resent it to the core of my very being!" First guy says "Oh, is that so? Why are you a lawyer?" Second guy says "No! I'm a lowdown, greedy, disgusting, heartless, money grubbing jerk!"
The new jet age can be described as breakfast in London, luncheon in New York, dinner in San Francisco and baggage in Buenos Aires.
"I really hate to tell you this but i just ran over your cat with my car. So I'd like to replace him."
" All right. There's a mouse in the kitchen.'
Not really a joke but maybe put a smile on a face or two.
http://il.youtube.com/watch?v=TU_a5ObBX … re=related
I think Jim Stafford is hilarious. Since we're on the subject, here is another favorite of mine. I think this one is really funny.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UUvuW0NbLQ
Can't get enough of Jim Stafford:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWoWnaj0 … re=related
A man walks into an ice-cream parlour, and orders a double-scoop chocolate cone.
The server says, "Sorry, we are out of chocolate, can I get you anything else?"
Man says, "Yes, give me a pint of chocolate ice cream, please."
Server says, "Sir, we are out of chocolate, would you like something else?"
Man thinks for a minute and says, "Give me a gallon of chocolate ice cream!"
Server asks, "Sir can you spell the van in vanilla?"
Guy says, "Sure, V A N"
Server: "OK, can you spell the straw in strawberry?"
Man: "Sure, S T R A W"
Server: "Good, now, can you spell the frick in chocolate?"
Man: "There is no 'frick' in chocolate!"
Server: "That's what I've been frickin' telling ya!"
ba da boomp!
Love it!!
A girl with no arms and no legs is sitting on a blanket on the beach. Summertime, with couples in love everywhere. She's a bit blue, though. She's 30 years old, with no arms or legs!
As she watches a couple kissing, she thinks to herself, "geez, I'm 30, and I've never been kissed by a man", only her thoughts are spoken aloud. A young man walking by hers her lament, bends down and tenderly kisses her lips, and walks away.
A few minutes later, she sees another couple, embracing on a blanket. She thinks to herself how she has never been held in a man's arms, and again, her thoughts come out of her mouth. Another young man, walking by, hears her, feels compassion, and tenderly lifts her into his arms and holds her close. He lays her back down and walks on.
Shortly afterward, she spies a real hunk walking by, and the wheels are turning! She fairly shouts: "I'm 30 years old with no arms and no legs, and I've never been screwed!" Mr. Beefcake hears her, of course.
He bends down, picks her up, sails her into the surf and yells: "Now you're screwed!"
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door.
He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.
He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there’s a knock on the door.
He opens it and sees the same snail.
The snail says "What the heck was that all about?"
Did you hear about the dog that walked into the saloon?
He was looking for the scoundrel who shot his paw.
Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "Well, It's Not Unusual."
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