Joke Thread (Page 3 of 10)

That's a great one Roger.  How true.

Tuba player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."

Sorry toots ! I just had to post this 'un..... haha!!

q)How do you fix a broken tuba?
a)With a "tuba glue".

Pretty good one Tuba, I remember the days of the New Orleans "Aint's" they sure come a long way since then.

Cam

Boudro went to L.S.U. His daddy was not rich and would only spend money on projects that he was positive were worthy investments.
When Boudro got to school he wanted to join a fraternity to bond with like-minded students and form business ties for later on. When Boudro sounded his daddy out on the thousand dollars it cost to join a fraternity, his dad balked at the expense. Boudro decided on another tack. He told his dad that L.S.U. had a program to teach dogs to read. His dad got excited about that .He said, "My eyes are getting weak. If they can teach Old Blue (his blue tick hound dog) to read, it would help me in my old age. How much I have to pay to get Old Blue in the reading program?" "One thousand dollars." replied Boudro.
The old man wrote him a check and Boudro went back to school. The very next night, Boudro got into a poker game in the dorm and lost every cent of his daddy's thousand dollars. He still wanted to join the fraternity.
Boudro called his daddy on the phone and told him that L.S.U. also had a new program to teach dogs to talk. His dad was enthusiastic. He said, "No point in teaching Old Blue to read if he can't talk and tell me what he's reading. How much it costs to teach him to talk, son?" "One thousand dollars" replied Boudro. "I'll send you a check." said his dad and hung up.
Boudro joined the fraternity and everything was dandy for a while until his dad called and told him, "Son, everybody around here is so excited about Old Blue reading and talking. He's famous around here. Bring him with you when you come home for thanksgiving day break because the whole town wants to see him."
Boudro went into a deep dark funk. What was he going to tell all those people? The dog couldn't talk or read. Old Blue could tell Boudro was depressed so he came out from under the bed and whined in sympathy. This infuriated Boudro and he pulled a pistol out of his desk drawer and shot that dog dead.
On the train ride back home, Boudro had no cover story. He was so depressed. When the train reached his home station there was a crowd waiting to see Old Blue numbering in the hundreds, the local high school band was playing. The whole town had turned out to see the world's first talking dog. Boudro closed the window curtain and peeked out through a tiny crack intil he spotted his dad on the edge of the crowd. Boudro then sneaked out of a back door and quickly and quietly met his dad. "His dad said, "Son, where's Old Blue? All these people are waiting to see him."
Boudro pulled him around the corner saying, "Daddy, there was a problem."
"What problem?" asked his dad.
Boudro explained, "The problem didn't show up when they were teaching Old Blue to read. It showed up when Old Blue started talking."
His dad asked, " Talking about what, son?"
Boudro said, " The only thing Old Blue wanted to talk about was you and that cute little waitress down at the cafe."
His dad said, " I hope you shot that dog dead, son."
Boudro replied, " Yes sir, I did."

A group of psychiatry students are in a seminar about Emotional Extremes and in an attempt to set the tone for the lecture the professor asked one student "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness" replied the student. To the second student he asked "What is the opposite of depression?"  "Elation" was the response.  He then turned to the Essex girl and asked "What's the opposite of woe?"  With a beaming smile on her face she said "Sir I think you'll find that would be Giddy-up."

Ian

I'm just wondering...If a Cop arrest's a mime-do they tell him he has the right to remain silent, what's the protocol on that I'm wondering.

Cam

I've already put this up on the Chilean Miner thread, but what the heck...

I bought a bottle of Chilean wine to celebrate the rescue of the miners, but it's taken me 69 days to open it, and even then I had to pull the cork in and out 33 times!

Why men are never depressed:
1. Your last name stays put.
2. The garage is all yours.
3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
4. You can never get preggers.
5. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
6. You never have to drive to another gas station rest room because this one is just too icky.
7. You don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
8. Same work more pay.
9. Wrinkles add character.
10. Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental $100.
11. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
12. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
13. One mood all the time.
14. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
15. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
16. Three pairs of shoes are enough.
17. Everything on your face stays it's original color.
18. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
19. You can play with toys all your life.
20. You can Christmas shop for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding.
Lady asks, "Is there a problem, officer?"
Officer, "Ma'am you were speeding."
Lady replies, "Oh, I see."
Officer, "Can I see your license, please?"
Lady, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer, "Don't have one?"
Lady, "Lost it four years ago for drunk driving."
Officer, "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?"
Lady, "I can't do that."
Officer, " Why not?"
Woman, " I stole this car."
Officer, "Stole it?"
Lady, "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer, "You what?"
Lady, "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2, "Madam, could you step out of your vechicle please?" The woman steps out of her vechicle.
Lady, "Is there a problem, sir?"
Officer 2, "One of my officers told me you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Lady, "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2, "Yes, would you please open the trunk of your car, please?"
The lady opens the trunk revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2,"Is this your car, ma'am?"
Lady, "Yes, here are the registration papers."
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2, "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The lady digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse abd hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2, "Thank you, ma'am. One of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Lady, "I'll bet that liar told you I was speeding too."

There was a good looking blond flying coach to Chicago. During the flight she gets up and takes an empty seat in first class. The attendant saw her and asked her if she had a ticket for first class. She replied I am blond, beautiful and I am going to Chicago. Unable to get her to move the attendant goes to the cockpit to tell the pilot. The co pilot says he will go talk to her. He approaches and tells her she has to return to her seat in coach and she replies to him I am blond, beautiful and I am going to Chicago. After he was unable to get the passenger to return to her seat the co pilot returned to the cockpit. The pilot said wait a minute, you said she is blond right, well my wife is blond so I speak blond and I will get her to move. He walked up, leaned over and whispered something in her ear. She stood up and returned to her seat in coach without saying a word. When he sat down in the cockpit the co pilot asked what he whispered to her. The pilot said he told her that first class was not going to Chicago.

I can't find my perfect job:
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried being a tailor, but wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew sew job.
Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, tried being a chef - figuring it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.
Next I attempted being a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was as a musician but the band eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to be a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
I became a professional fisherman but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
Managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenence company, but the work was just too draining.
Went to work at a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.