• Registered: 2006-12-30
  • Posts: 2

Topic: This is more of a poem

My truest of all feelings
Poem by: Joshua C. Young


You may think that you are lending a hand
But you’re just fueling the fire for my denial
I can’t quit you baby no matter how I try
Deep down it’s eating me alive
It hurts so much but it lasts so long
Please give me a chance to show you
All this pain I feel
But you just don’t understand how bad I need you
You can’t help me find a new woman
If it was your life long work god wont stop this pain
I need you so bad but you just don’t understand
It isn’t an obsession it isn’t lust its pure love
But you really don’t give a damn if I collapsed on the ground
Because of the intense passion I have for you
You never give me a second look some help
God please help her realize who is the better man
Dear lord have mercy and show her blindness that just is
The better man never would I do her any harm never would I go
Behind her back for another woman’s draw god show me mercy
For I am a broken soul over her cold shoulder sticks out and I cant get the attention I so desperately need please dear god help me I would caress her body, heart, and soul I am freezing my life away this pain strikes deep in my heart it slowly creeps I can no longer show you how I feel for I have showed you every ounce of energy I have left I feel I have showed within every inch of my soul I’ll work the rest of my life fighting to be the sworn protector of your innocent soul girl I need you so bad I cant go any more the steps I take hurt every inch of the way don’t tell me to stop that would make me drop and my heart would never return again to life because it is so grim.   

  • From: Starkville, Mississippi USA
  • Registered: 2006-03-04
  • Posts: 2,069

Re: This is more of a poem

Your poem is quite a manifesto fraught with lots of stuff . . . there might be some song material within all the many many lines.  Since you posted it to the songwriting forum, I assume you wanted some feedback - - so, here goes;


First off . . . if this poem is actually about what is going on in your life currently, then run around the block several times as fast as you can.  Next, take a very long and very hot shower.  Then, eat a delicious meal and get some sleep.  Hopefully, you will wake up with the realization that life is good and there ain't nobody truly worth the emotional wringer you are putting yourself through.  The poem make's you seem like a very needy puppy . . . get happy, get healthy, and get laid.


Next, isolate a couple of your favorite lines in the poem.  Work on honing them into a small song - maybe a verse or two and a chorus.  Don't try to say everything about anything in one song - just narrow your focus to one managable idea and work with that.


Seems to me that your poem is like a big load of ore - you can process it down with lots of heat and hammering and refine some precious metals from the pile.

"That darn Pythagorean Comma thing keeps messing me up!"
[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pythagorean_comma[/url]

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