little jokes (Page 1 of 3)

A blond and brunett were walking down the street. the brunett say's 'Ah look at the dead bird" the blond looks up and say's 'Where' !

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, how much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the Blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!"

My daughter sent me this one:

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be £9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
" Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp, when I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big bum and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Roger

JESUS, I am surprised, reading the jokes you write. I never expected it, I wrote the Paris Hilton joke, because I had still too much fun.

George W Bush is visiting the UK. The second day, Her MAJESTY the queen and George W, are riding in London in a chariot pulled by 6 horses. Nature is doing her job, because one of the horses lift up his tail and a huge fart.
The Queen, very embarrassed, turns her head and says: I'm really sorry Mr President.
Bush, looks to the queen and answers, oh, I thought it was one of the horses.

This is a joke I know since years, because I heard the REAGAN answer. But this is and stays a great joke. SUBKECTIVE of course.
KEEP ON JOKING this time. It isn't about musicians, but they are welcome too.
Is there anyone who can explain, the strange world of jokes. If we are in company and I ask you, ZURF, to tell me a joke, it will be difficult. Once the first joke appears, it ends in a joke shower. Our "subconcience" stores everything, and using hypnosis, you can go back in time.

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

- Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.

-Fifty-Dollar Bet    
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This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer.
The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed.
“But what about the pickle slicer,† asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it too,† answered the husband.

since the blonde jokes are are flying about heres one i like , what do you call an intelligent blonde?  a golden retriever.

an eight year old boy who weighs 14 stone was asked what his favourite musical instrument at school was. the fat porker said the dinner bell!

A gent gets on a bus, his pockets full of golf balls. The bus stops and picks up a blonde who sits next to the gent. She looks at him and then looks again in surprise. "It's golf balls." said the gent. The blonde says, "Ooooh, is that anything like tennis elbow?"

A young chap get's on a bus and keeps mumbling' What a driver, what a fu@#$ing driver", he sit's directly behind the bus driver and keeps saying "What a driver, what a f#&%@ing driver". The bus driver annoyed pulls the bus over and ask the young chap if he had a problem with his driving. the chap ask why? the driver say's he heard him talking about a
fu%^#ing driver. The young man explains that a beautiful blond just pulled up in a cadillac trying to park in a space big enough for a volskwagen bug. She told the young chap that if he could park the big car in that small space he could have his way with her, 'What a driver, what a fu#@*ing driver.

.... Badeye.

The Future of Nursery Rhymes
 
 
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.
 
 
 
It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.
 
 
Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.
 
 
 
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
"What have u got there?"
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.
 
 
 
Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.
 
 
 
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.
 
 
 
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.
 
 
 
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

Badeye me ould segosha,

Good to hear from you!  Hows the shoulder doing ?

Old Doll.