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On an Irish theme "She Moves Through the Fair." (Includes a ghost: how's that for haunting.)

"Spancil Hill."

Hey Alvee,

420 is US police code that is used to point out people who have a portly frame whilst they are on patrol. It causes no suspician if public hear "Check out that 420" followed by much laughing at the expense of the large person without them knowing; much more acceptable than "Hey, Hank, check out that fatty."

Bogart, Humphrey was a great American actor who appeared in such films as the African Queen and Cassablanca. He was known for his sarcastic manner and put-downs.

I think the phrase "Don't bogart that 420" is a polite way of bringing your friends into line by saying "Don't take the watsit out of that fatty!" without the person of increased capacity getting suspicious or upset.

Or I could be talking complete cods and it's all refering to what the Fab Four reputedly consumed in Buck House when going for a gong.

So long ago..............

I went for classical guitar lessons so it was something out of a book by Sophocles Papas possibly Three Little Indians or some other embarrassing choon.

Then, when I was 13 or 14 I bought the Back in Black songbook by those electrical Aussies.... or was it House of the Rising Sun?

I really can't remember!

The first choon I learned when I thought I was beginning to get somewhere was Ascending and Descending a Spiral Staircase by the Rev Gary Davis in about 1990.

Playing to a Sony rep (underplaying him greatly) and having a caughing fit brought on by nerves halfway through a song - had to stop playing because of that - meeting over!!!

What's invisible and smells of banana???????????????????

Monkey fart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've always found the easiest way to mute is to use the the bit of your strumming hand that you would do a "Karate Chop" (Hiyaah) with and rest it across the strings as close to the bridge as possible; the thumb and index finger then do the strumming as opposed to the wrist.

Only thing is I must be bad 'cause I find that it is best used on down strumming only as it is not conducive to down and up.

My Grandfather was a right one. Not my maternal Grandfather; he was a religious minister, but the other one - Granddad. He got audited by the tax office and toddled of to see them.

He goes into the office with someone beside him and the auditer looks up and says "Oh, I see you've brought a witness. I take it he's your accountant." Grandad smiles back and nods.

"Now I see from your paperwork that you claim to be a gambler."

Grandad smiles and nods.

"You earn all your money from gambling?"

Grandad smiles back and nods.

"You expect me to believe that you are good enough to make a living out of gambling? No-one's that good!"

"Well I am!" says Grandad. "To prove it, I bet you £1000 I can bite my left eye!"

The auditer thinks a moment and says "I'll take that bet!" As they shake hands they both look at the accountant who nods grimly witnessing the bet.

Grandad takes out his left eye bites it and pops it back in.

The auditer is fuming but Grandad doesn't relent "I told you I was a good gambler! Don't worry though, I'll give you a chance to get your money back and make a bit. I'll bet you £2000 I can bite my right eye!"

The auditer thinks 'I know he's not blind, so he can't....' "I'll take that bet!" The accountant grimly witnesses the handshake and Grandad takes out his false teeth, bites his right eye and pops them back in.

The auditer is fuming. £3000 pounds he owes the man who came to be audited. He can barely controll his anger.

"Don't worry," smiles Grandad "Here's a real chance for you to make your money back and make a good bit as well. I bet you £6000 I can stand behind you desk where you are now and wee over the top of your desk and get every drop in that waste paper bin without spilling a drop on your desk!"

The auditer is not going to be taken in so easily so he looks at the distance, where the bin is and calculates the flow.

"From the other side of the desk?"

"Yup!"

"Not one tiny little drip on the desk?"

"Yup! not one drip or drop!"

"I'll take that bet!" and the accountant grimly witnesses the handshake.

Grandad goes round behind the desk and undoes himself and proceeds to wee all over the desk. All over the paperwork, all over the phone, the blotting paper is useless and even the auditer's wife's photo gets splashed. There is only one place that remains dry - the waste paper bin!

The auditer is delighted. He's jumping up and down and roaring with joy - "Yes! Yes! Not one drop? HA HA HA! That's £3000 pounds you owe me!"

Grandad takes out his check book and starts writing out the check, his enigmatic smile still on his face. The auditer notices this and the face of the accountant sat next to Grandad -

"How come you seem totally unbothered by having to pay me £3000 but your accountant is fuming; I mean he looks like he's going to burst with anger?"

"Oh don't worry about him; I just bet him £25,000 before we came in that I could wee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

Great all the home recipes but as to the voice....

REST IT!!!

Rest your voice! Don't even strain to talk to people, if things are that bad carry paper and pen to communicate.

Anything you overdo with your vocal chords while with caugh, cold, sore throat etc, can tear the vocal chords as they adapt to being used while out of order.

Alternatively: Find someone who's got the worst flu anyone's ever had, sit with them until you have it too and you should find yourself immune to the minor colds and sniffles for a couple of years!

Alternatively: Pour a can of peeled tomatoes into a saucepan, throw in a chopped onion and as much crushed garlic as you can handle, heat with any seasoning you want, serve over pasta WITH NO CHEESE: all dairy products make you produce phlegm!

Through the Barricades, Summer of '69, The Way It Is, [Lots of choons by Queen]

Form your own band.

If you are putting it together you call the shots.