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Thanks for posting up a fine piece of writing

Funny how one thing said can tweek you and become a lyric as such.

I haggled, I bartered, I traded and hunted,
for just what I wanted in life
I’m not sorry I looked for the best things
that’s how I found you; my wife
the best choice I made in my life.

Nice job on the Chorus 

Kenny

My Condolences for your loss Roger

Kenny

Another epic tale from you Phill

As I read this I could feel the lads struggle to get back to safety of their loved ones.
Good imagery on this with a great twist on the last line.
Being in site of home and then going down I imagine has happened a few times through out the ages.

The skipper says “row lads our homes are in sight� .
“We'll unload this fish and drink beer tonight� .
We're rowing in darkness, no light from the moon.
And the deep comes to claim us, there's a ship in the gloom.

Well crafted from start to finish.
I checked but you have no recording...I'm guessing/hoping soon?

Well Done

Kenny

Hi Mark, Well done on this

I did a little tour on your youtube site to check out your other tunes.
I'll be back to listen to more for sure.

I died a little
in your arms tonight 
I cried a little
in my heart tonight 
I won't lose you
I won't give up the fight
I know I can show you
There's more than meets the eye tonight
tonight you'll see

Nice Write

Looking forwards to your next tune.

Kenny

You are a lucky man for sure Daddy

No such thing as too much love eh

Well Done

Kenny

Hi Daddy,
I used to work with a guy like that and it was no fun at all.
Luckily for your friend he's got mates like you to pick him up on those bad days.

Nice Write

Kenny

Hi Jody,
Critiquing other peoples writes is not an easy thing for me to do as my anxiety levels skyrocket so I will point out to you what I see and leave that for you to decide if it should be fixed or left alone.

The first thing you have to do Jody is to learn to write for yourself and nobody else. It is your heart and soul going into your song, your words so they should have the most meaning to you.
When I talk about structure being uniform it is two ways, one with syllables and two with rhyme.
Rhyme
For a four line verse as an example, AABB the first two lines rhyme with each other as do the last two. There is also ABAB The first line rhymes with the 3rd line , the second with the 4th. You can go AAAAA. It is OK but then sounds very repetitious. The trick is to be uniform through the song so when someone is reading it, it reads uniformly. What you do in the first verse should be the same in the second verse and so on. It should be different in the chorus as that is where your hook should be and you don't want it reading the same as the verse. It should be diffrerent to catch the readers attention. The same goes for the bridge in relationship to the chorus and verse.
Next is syllables. da da..da da da.....da da Your syllable structure should be uniform throughout. Count out your syllables with the lines in your song to make sure it is as uniform as possible. Again verse different from chorus and bridge. The chorus and bridge must follow the same guide lines.
It's important to remember Jody that these are things I have picked up along the way. It doesn't mean they are right as all songs break the rules somewhere.

The second verse is much better story wise as now we know a little more about your character. Do you think the reader would like to know if Bill was a coke dealer or a cheap car salesman, or maybe a politician...or a golfer? That is what I mean by story line Jody I'm sure you could write some dirt about this guy not just mention his name. That is what makes the song interesting to reader/listener. We know you are sad...we just want to know the dirt. If not dirt about the guy then what about the girlfriend/wife. Dirt???? lots of stories. Real sweet gal??? lots of stories of what it is about her you miss and WHY. The way she looked in the morning? the way she rubbed her nose? the way she cared other peoples feelings? Give us a story and you will keep the reader/listener glued to you

Your tittle is good but again that is subjective to the listener/reader. You can still have a hook that is not the title. The hook is the line that grabs your attention to the song, usually found in the chorus but...not necessarily.
The melody my friend is your call. As the lyrics are part of your soul, so is the melody.
The length of the song is subject to the story line (in my opinion) The longer the song the better the story line must be to keep the listeners attention.

Last is the "Forced Rhyme".This is where you take a word and it doesn't really rhyme with its counterpart in the ABAB scheme of things but when you sing it you can sing and force the rhyme to make it fit.
In the song, "Take the Money and Run," Steve Miller rhymed "Texas" with the words "facts is." That's a pretty wide stretch. But it didn't sound bad because it helped tell the story. When reading, it sounds off but, because you know the melody it sounds OK cause you force it to fit. Don't use to many forced rhyme as again it is all about being uniform and it's only when your stuck for a rhyme or are being clever in the song.

I hope these tips can help you out to get where you want to be with writing Jody
I'll check back later on your song but this type has been over an hour and I gotta eat.
Thank God for spell check cause you wouldn't be able to read this other wise.

Cheers
Ken

P.S. I know you didn't mean it but I'm not criticizing your write but critiquing it...huge difference.

Hi Jody,
I'm real glad to hear that I didn't offend you I hope I don't come off as being long winded here.

Written lyrics as in any art form is subjective to the reader as each person will probably come away with something different, which is a good thing. I suppose where I was going was that your song seemed repetitious (to me). What is important is that your song feels good and right to you, no one else. You sang your song at the local open mic, (Kudos to you as there is no way I can do that) and that is awesome for the Standing O you got. You must have written a good song for that to happen.
Whiskey River and Ring of Fire were written after Willie and Johnny had made a name for themselves so they being stars were allowed to break the rules of songwriting(in my opinion) also both songs have great melodies.As a metaphor look at it like learning to drive a car. To get your license you better drive with the instructor with your hands at 10 and 2 oclock and obey all the laws or you'll fail. Once you pass, put your hands where you want them and break a rule or two, it doesn't matter cause you've passed. Same with writing, but again that is just my point of view.
In today's world if your song doesn't have structure, a great hook and melody and music to go with it, it'll never get in the door, in my opinion.
Since joining Chordie I have been lurking and posting on some other boards just to see and to learn about the craft of writing. I have had a lot of my lyrics picked right apart and have been told many times that I can't write. That's OK by me cause it is subjective and that is their point of view. I write for me. But I have learned what I can and in my eyes I am a better writer which is my goal. Am I gonna make money off this...not likely but that's OK I never thought I would.
Anywho that is my take on any writing so please don't take my ramblings any way, but in the spirit of friendship.

Cheers

Kenny

Hi buvvy

I was wondering where you were going with this until I got to the chorus and then all the capital letters made perfect sense.

I’ll  ring  the  bell
I’ll  ring  the  bell
For  one  more  priest
To  be  sent  to  hell

Love the chorus, and I really want to hear how this is played.

Great Topic my friend, deserving of this good write.

Cheers
Kenny

Hi Amy,
Wow you sure are coming along at breakneck speed.

You're talented not only in the kitchen and on the computer but also singing and  recording and video editing.
I sure wish I had your computer savy.

Great review on the H2, you've answered a lot of questions I had and I'm sure others.
Cheers

Kenny

Hi Strans

Thanks for this piece on a bit of history I knew nothing about. It played out as the Mexican version of the Alamo and I find that very interesting. I'll be doing some reading on this for sure.

Nice write, it's amazing how destiny can take you from one corner of the world to another.
Cheers
Kenny

I posted this Wiki link as yours took me to a different page.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Patr … _Battalion