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Ernie The Fastest Milkman In The West Benny Hill
You could [C]hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground,
[Am] And the rattle of the wheels as they went 'round and 'round.
And he [F]galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest,
His name was [G]Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the [C]west.
Now [C]Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue,
She lived [Am]all alone in Lily Lane at number 22.
They [F]said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic,
But [G]Ernie had his cocoa there three times every [C]week.
They called him [C]Ernie, ([Am]Ernie),
And he [F]drove the fastest [G]milk cart in the [C]west.
She [C]said she'd like to bathe in milk, he said, "All right, sweetheart,"
And [Am]when he'd finished work that night he loaded up the cart.
He [F]said, "D'you want it pasteurized? 'Cause pasteurized is best,"
She says, "[G]Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my [C]chest."
That tickled old [C]Ernie, ([Am]Ernie),
And he [F]drove the fastest [G]milk cart in the [C]west.
(Head 'em up! All right!)
Now [C]Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man,
Called [Am]Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van.
He [F]tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,
And when she [G]seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her [C]head.
He [C]went on the make with his Dundee cake and he said, "If you treat me right,
You'll have [Am]hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night."
He [F]knew once she'd seen his macaroons he'd have his wicked way,
And all [G]Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a [C]day.
Poor [C]Ernie, ([Am]Ernie),
And he [F]drove the fastest [G]milk cart in the [C]west.
One [C]lunch time Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door,
It [Am]drove him mad to see it was still there at half past four.
And as he [F]leapt down from his van hot blood through his veins did course,
And he [G]went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his [C]'orse.
Whose name was [C]Trigger, ([Am]Trigger),
And he [F]pulled the fastest [G]milk cart in the [C]west.
Now [C]Ernie ran out into the street with his gold top in his hand,
He [Am]said, "If you wanna marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man."
"Oh [F]why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied,
"And [G]just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the [C]side."
Now [C]Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun,
They [Am]stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun.
But [F]Ernie was too quick for him, things didn't go the way Ted planned,
And a [G]strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his [C]hand.
Now [C]Sue, she came between them and she tried to keep them apart,
And a [Am]three-day-old rock cake caught Ernie underneath the heart.
As he [F]doubled up in agony, the concrete hardened crust
Of a [G]stale meat pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the [C]dust.
Poor [C]Ernie, ([Am]Ernie),
And he [F]drove the fastest [G]milk cart in the [C]west.
[C] Ernie was only 68, he didn't wanna die,
Now he's [Am]gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky.
Where the [F]customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned,
And a [G]milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy [C]land.
But a [C]woman's needs are many fold and Sue, she married Ted,
But [Am]strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.
Was [F]that the rustle of the leaves? Or the creaking of the gate?
Or [G]Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their [C]crate?
They won't forget [C]Ernie, ([Am]Ernie),
And he [F]drove the fastest [G]milk cart in the [C]west.
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